losing my mind

Beliefs are tough to shake. They cement themselves over time. Like the layers of salt on the quay. Though sometimes all it takes is one incident, one fact, one day's events to offset all.

I've always felt nice and strong and important, when my friends would tell others - "this guy never gets drunk... never". So usually its me driving back others. In charge of the night. The 'father' for that or those evenings. It's a messy job this one. Involves talking to cops sometimes, helping people find the nearest bathroom door in a millisecond, convincing a zombie on why not to drive, tucking up people in bed, closing the door to temporarily-suspended-morality, and yeah sitting alone later and cleaning up the place before finding a place to sleep. It all sounds pretty lonely and cold. It is.

Ok I'm no superman. I do feel giddy sometimes. I've felt my head hurt, in the night and the next morning. Visited the bathroom with my wrong side in the pot many a times. I've felt my reactions... my foot on the brake become a little late. But then that's it. I 'knew' all that. What was happening to me, how i was feeling. And how much more of that would i allow myself. I've never broken into 'english' or done things which i would not find myself suitable doing.

I never allowed myself that. To let go. To dive in. To lose my mind. I was known to be a strong headed scorpion (i hate this cliche' really, i think its created by one Ms. Goodman... from early teens people start telling you... oh you are a scorpio... hmmm... you must be like this... and over time you start believing that boxed view... nice try Ms. Goodman ). Unemotional, stone-hearted, cold and therefore scary ... read as fear-of-the-unknown. As my reputation grew, people's inclination to change it reduced.

And then it happened. One fine evening, I just lost it. I don't know why. I don't know which. Empty stomach, the quantum, the variety, or my new state of mind. (yea.. screw you Ms. Goodman i'm no more a scorpion, i refuse to be one. Or may be this happens when you turn 30 and realise that the jacket you've been happily wearing all your life is not only dated, tattered, and is a bad fit... but is also not the dress code for the next party)...

But I did not know what had happened... not until the next afternoon... I woke up with a very heavy and throbbing head... already late for a shoot... stood under the cold shower for a good ten minutes... and tried to remember the sequence of events. Oh no no... this cant happen to me... rewind rewind... play... blank again... trying for the fifth time now... rewind rewind and blank again. My player was showing no recording for the last eight hours, though they were not all gobbled up by sleep. Hmmm... sigh... the wall has been breached... the record has been shattered. When people used to tell me they don't remember anything from last night, i used to laugh at its incredulity. I used to think of it as an excuse, as a convenient lie.

I quickly got dressed and somehow managed to control the situation at the shoot. When we had a break, I had time to think about it again.

At first it took me time to decide which feeling was i going through, and which one was stronger. I felt like a receptionist with all the lines blinking all of a sudden. Fear first, i decided. The fear of having offended someone, having done or said something stupid. Its a horrible feeling. I had not had it for a very long time. I sent a few smses, safe ones... like how are you, hows the morning? And I got rather strange replies... how are 'you'? ... 'it happens' ... 'you were too funny, i totally enjoyed myself' ... hmmm i thought... time to make a call... the suspense is killing me... i made a few calls... Mightily relieved to find out that i didn't do anything stupid... c'mon you know this part... men are men are men... phew...!!!

Fear quickly left the room. Next up were Ms. shame and Mr. embarrassment. They stayed with me for a few weeks, I tried to bribe them to go away. I tried to ignore them. Tried to rationalize everything. Even tried to do the matrix hypnotism to myself - 'there 'is' no spoon' . But they stayed. Mocked and jeered at me everyday, stared back from the mirror every evening. The day I saw my videos on a phone cam from that evening, my guests felt happiest. It seemed they'd never go away. But they did. In a few weeks. Waned and waned and went away.

Looking back i'm happy. I've been through this as well. I feel light. I feel like a sport star retiring in his prime. I was proud. Now I'm wiser.